Dear Tiff,

Dear Tiff
It's been a year. A year ago I sat next to you, holding your hands, and staring into each others eyes until you were gone. I hope you knew then more than ever that I did not want this to happen. The wound created from your passing is no doubt evident, and the scar is no doubt permanent. The things I struggle with now are almost unexplainable(at least with the words at my disposal). I still miss you. I still Love You, and I still think about you. That I am sure will never change.
Over the course of the past year I have struggled, but I am sure you know that. I can feel you looking out for me and pointing me in the right direction...still. I stayed on the couch for a while and then realized there was a good chance you might haunt me if I didn't get my ass up and be the man you always wanted me to be. I gotta tell you I faked it for a while, and probably still am, but I think I am getting better at it. I starting running again and ran the "Rock n Roll" half marathon. Plans are to run the "Shamrock" Marathon next year. I miss running with you, but I feel you with me still whenever I am out there. I picked up the golf clubs a little towards the end of last year. I remember how you use to caddy for me all the time. How you wore those t-shirts I bought you with the butterflies on them because even though you were my caddy you would often focus your sight and thoughts on the butterflies out on the course more than next shot we had, and just so you know I loved that about you. You were such a Lady and a sweet-hearted soul. I remember when you taught me the game and teased me about not having a mental game, and during the second round of the U.S. Amateur Public links after one shot in particular you told me "I sucked". You always thought I could be great at anything and I believed it. Just so you know I played in the club championship at Little Creek. I could feel you with me the whole time. I should not have been out there because as you know I have not payed much attention to my game in a very very long time. I played because I felt like it was my way of being closer to you, and honey I could feel you there. I played in the championship flight from the back tees and made a 40 foot putt on the last hole to come in at even par. We had the lead by one shot after the first day and I was told there was a 99 percent chance we would not play the 2nd day because of weather. If only for a few hours I can say in my heart I had my Tiff back. I can also say that I went home, cried like a baby and drank myself into a coma. I woke up the next day hung over, tired, and looked outside and realized we had to play again. DAMN..lol We might not have won that day, but we sure showed what we were capable of. I was not sure until then what I was going to do. I'm a sailor. I'm a submariner. Now Tiff I can tell you ' I'm the COB". I have met some of the most phenomenal people imaginable. It has been almost like "you" hand picked BOISE(my boat) for me. I'm in Norfolk still living in our old house, but as you know this isn't the home.
I haven't talked to your mother in a while, but then again she and I were never that close. I will try and call her this weekend. Seems appropriate. Cas and I continued to call each other every Sunday just as you and him did until a couple of months ago. I think we might be playing phone tag, but I am certain this weekend will be a struggle for him as well. Uncle Mickey continues to look out for me, and is a constant reminder to me of where the good in you came from. It looks like he is up to 3 grandkids now. I know it's probably crazy to write you since your no longer here, but I figure trying to communicate any other way might get me committed..;-) I have only been on BOISE a couple of months and we are getting ready to deploy, but I am taking this weekend off and won't be going to work on Monday. Some things regardless of the time since I last saw you will always be too tough to work through.

Always in my heart, and always on mind
Forever
Stephen

I want to share a story.......

I wanted to share a story I know only a few people know about. Anyone who knew Tiff and I knew that it was the "goal" to defy the odds and make Senior Chief and someday be a Chief of the Boat. I know on the surface this seems self centered in that it is seemingly geared towards me, but I assure you that it was her goal as well. She only wanted the best for and from us, and insisted that we could end up anywhere as long as we tried our best. As long as we gave it our all would be the most important thing. The problem was that in my world they were only making 1 or 2 Senior Chiefs a years. That gave us less than a 1% chance. Well after our tour on TUCSON we got back to Virginia and as most of you are aware of she got the word about her diagnosis. Senior Chief as well as COB were obviously the furthest things from our mind, and truly no longer mattered. It's amazing how when something like that occurs you immediately want all of the time and sacrifice that led to that point, back. Trust me when I say I struggle with that daily.
Anyways, time and the fight marched on and after a year of a ton of Chemo, Surgery, medications, etc.. We were sitting at the dining room table when I got the call. They made 2 and yes we were one of them. After everything that had happened in the last year it was truly an overwhelming emotion that left us both holding each other and crying like little girls. It was conformation that while we could not get our time back that at least we did it "right". It was also like why is GOD doing this? What was the message for US in this? Tiff was sooooo proud. I think as proud of herself as she was of me, and rightfully so. She always said that no matter what happens to finish what we started. I never really took those words seriously as I obviously did not want to face to mortality of the whole thing. It was at this time that without my knowledge she went and had a COIN made. The coin had a Senior Chief rating badge on one side and on the back it said TMCS 22 May 2008. There is a tradition in the CHIEFS community. you place the coin in the palm of your hand and reach out to shake the other persons hand leaving them the COIN. That is exactly how she gave it to me. Just like a CHIEF...She could always impress me..;-)
The rest of the year we worked on her own little bucket list. With the help of Uncle Mickey she saw a Bulldog game in Athens, and actually sat in the coaches office and talked to him for about 30 mins. She was sooooo giddy even though I could tell she didn't feel well as she tried to hide it. She started to develop a small plural effusion(fluid outside the lungs), but was scheduled to make one more trip to Hawaii and see her friends one last time. She went to the doctor and he said she would be fine and we could start the next round of chemo when she returned. The trip was gonna be two weeks and she was really excited to see the people she loved so much one last time.
Shortly after getting to the island her condition was worsening. Fever, and increased shortness of breathe. A trip to the emergency room in Hawaii did not help at all, and now the concern was getting back. I told her I was calling the airline and she would be leaving tonight. I needed her home and needed to get her to the doctor. I could tell just by talking to her she was week. She got on the plane and called me from Dallas, and said she wasn't sure she could get to her next flight(shortness of breathe, flush, and fever). She got a ride to the next terminal, and the flight attendants were not sure they could let her board. She told them if she did not get on that plane she might die in Texas and that could not happen. she needed to get to her husband. She mustered up the strength to speak to me on the phone, and tell me she was on her way. Planes are pressurized to 35000 feet, and with fluid on her lungs this was pain on top of everything else she was going through.
I waited at the end of the terminal and saw her walking toward me. Pale, week, and wobbling. She collapsed in my arms. I thought I had lost her. As I held her in my arms she reached out with an open hand and showed me the COIN she given me before and said "you were with me" "I could not have made it back without you".

I am sharing this story because I am currently in school and on my way to go be a Chief of the Boat. Finishing what we started.

Finding The Words.......

My first Christmas without Tiff. Last year I remember how thankful I was that she was here. I remember how happy she was to not be in the hospital. To have her son home. To be alive. I'm not sure anyone ever reads what I write to be honest. For those that do I only have this to say. With all the things in this world I don't know; I am absolutely clear about what kind of man, and sailor she wanted from me. I will stop at nothing to be that person. Never confuse my motivation, drive, and determination as anything other than a man fulfilling the wish of his late wife. I owe her that. Life has a way of moving on even if we are not ready or willing. It is up to us to find purpose, and matter. To stand for something and make a difference. We all know Tiffany did just that very thing, and I intend to do my absolute best in making sure her wishes someday meet our dreams.

I won't let you down Tiffany, Merry Christmas.

Strength

When will I stop looking for her? It has been 3 and a half months and I still find myself looking for her. I still can't believe this has happened, and I still have no idea how my life is suppose to matter without her. I miss her so much it literally hurts to the point of pain. I get through each day by not dealing with the fact that she is gone, and by only trying extremely hard to think of something else. I can't hardly say her name without being choked up. Her clothes and everything is still in the exact same location as the day she passed. Sometimes I think the pain is getting worse instead of better. I don't want to get over her being gone, but it would be nice to not be so scarred. I just wish I could talk to her at least one more time. I know that is not going to happen, but I miss her so much. I miss you Tiffany. I wish I was stronger, but I'm not.

Happy Anniversary Tiffany

Today makes 13 years. 13 years ago we said I DO, and we also said till death do us part. This was by far my most favorite day of the year, because it was always the day I could say thanks. Thanks for putting up with me. Thanks for making me a better person. Thanks for taking this one life that we get here on this earth and saying you want me to be in it with you. It always meant alot, and forever will always be the greatest gift I have ever been given. This will always be, now and forever the most important day in my life. This was the day that changed me and my life for the better. This was the day Tiffany said I DO. I miss you Tiff. Happy Anniversary.

Still here

I have struggled daily in trying to think of what to say next for over a month now. I have put restrictions on myself of the things I am no longer willing to put out there as I am sure they go without saying. The hard part is finding something else and something positive to say. I guess I am not there yet. I use to think about Tiffany every second after she passed away, now it's only every minute. My mind is getting clearer as I have come to terms with what has happened, but the future and my feelings are still very uncertain. I am angry at myself sometimes for not being stronger, and not being able to stay focused more on what I need to do on a daily basis in order to be functional. Baby is doing fine although I do see her still looking for momma sometimes. Sometimes we have our own little pitty party together. starting on the first of August I will be sending out more info on Team tiffany in an effort to raise money for Breast Cancer in her honor. Everyone has been very wonderful with there support in this area and I promise to not bug you for anymore money after this years efforts. Additionally I am on facebook so feel free to friend request me and we can stay in touch that way as well. Be safe everybody.
Stephen

Dearest Tiffany

I could say how I am doing, or maybe even try and explain how I feel, but the truth is I can't. I can't seem to put words on anything anymore Tiff. Everything falls short of the mark, you are still all that matters. YOU are on my mind every second of every day. The phone calls and letters have stopped coming, so it's just me and baby. I sometimes watch her looking for you and I must say it breaks my heart. It's nice to see that she has not forgotten you. You did well in picking her out She has a GREAT heart and is a joy. As I promised I will keep her forever. All 6 and half pounds of her.
Why am I writing to you. Well Tiff it is pretty simple. I got up again this morning and was not able to say I Love you to my Wife. I wanted to tell my wife today that I Love her and I Miss her. Remember how we use to say "I LOVE YOU" every morning? I remember how all I had to do was make eye contact and you would immediately move in for the hug. I miss the way we hugged each other. I miss the passionate kisses, and most of all Tiff I miss you. Good Morning Tiff "I LOVE YOU".
Stephen