I know it has been too long without a blog. I am not even gonna try and say it any different than it is. It's ROUGH, emotionally, mentally, and when it comes to doing the things she used to do instead of me it's rough physically as well.
Nothing in my life will ever be the same, and I accept it. My life has changed forever, and I accept that as well. The hard part so far is living my life on a daily basis where all of the little things that you treasured more than you realized no longer exist. Things like "Honey I'm home", or "How was your day", "How are you feeling", "What do you want for dinner", washing the cars together, walking around the block, and yes even snuggling up on the couch watching a recorded General Hospital. I did not care for the show so much, but I remember how holding her made me feel like I could watch anything.
She was always so soft, and she always smelled so good. Working in the garden while I mowed the grass, washing the sheets because it's Sunday. Seeing her laying out back with a book getting some sun, or just the way she stayed busy around the house. My life never had an awkward pause with her, because we always knew what the other person was thinking, and we always had something to say. The thing I miss more than anything was the way we looked into each other eyes and hugged each other. I never once looked into Tiffany's eyes (except for the last day) and she not smile, it was a feeling that let you know you are loved.
Some of you may not know but Tiffany passed away laying in the bed on her side. She passed away with me holding her hand and staring into my eyes even as she took her last breathe. It is now an image that I see before me (constantly). NOW... Silence, my new worst enemy, serves as a constant reminder of all those things. The fact that my eyes can still generate tears (daily) seems almost like a feat in itself. I have been around long enough to know that I am a strong person. You need only know a fraction of my life to know that as well. However this whole thing has broken me. It has turned me inside out and upside down to the point I don't even recognize myself. I guess you know now why it has been so hard to blog. Who wants to read this?
I do feel like I needed to tell everyone that I will be flying down to Clearwater FL tommorrow, and burying Tiff's ashes on Saturday. I am picking up her remains today, and will most certainly be choked up the rest of the day (news flash). I am hoping that while I know the pain will never go away that I will find a way to live not without her, but as an angel on my shoulder. Until next time.
Stephen
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Dearest Steve,
ReplyDeleteJust read your blog. Thank-you so much for sharing your deepest thoughts and memories. My heart goes out to you. Just hang in there and take it one day at a time. You are doing a fine job. Stay involved and focus on what you need to to get through the days. On the other days, just allow yourself to grieve. It takes time and hurts so much. We all understand that. Call if you need anything. Take care! Sincerely, Carrie