Finding The Words.......

My first Christmas without Tiff. Last year I remember how thankful I was that she was here. I remember how happy she was to not be in the hospital. To have her son home. To be alive. I'm not sure anyone ever reads what I write to be honest. For those that do I only have this to say. With all the things in this world I don't know; I am absolutely clear about what kind of man, and sailor she wanted from me. I will stop at nothing to be that person. Never confuse my motivation, drive, and determination as anything other than a man fulfilling the wish of his late wife. I owe her that. Life has a way of moving on even if we are not ready or willing. It is up to us to find purpose, and matter. To stand for something and make a difference. We all know Tiffany did just that very thing, and I intend to do my absolute best in making sure her wishes someday meet our dreams.

I won't let you down Tiffany, Merry Christmas.

Strength

When will I stop looking for her? It has been 3 and a half months and I still find myself looking for her. I still can't believe this has happened, and I still have no idea how my life is suppose to matter without her. I miss her so much it literally hurts to the point of pain. I get through each day by not dealing with the fact that she is gone, and by only trying extremely hard to think of something else. I can't hardly say her name without being choked up. Her clothes and everything is still in the exact same location as the day she passed. Sometimes I think the pain is getting worse instead of better. I don't want to get over her being gone, but it would be nice to not be so scarred. I just wish I could talk to her at least one more time. I know that is not going to happen, but I miss her so much. I miss you Tiffany. I wish I was stronger, but I'm not.

Happy Anniversary Tiffany

Today makes 13 years. 13 years ago we said I DO, and we also said till death do us part. This was by far my most favorite day of the year, because it was always the day I could say thanks. Thanks for putting up with me. Thanks for making me a better person. Thanks for taking this one life that we get here on this earth and saying you want me to be in it with you. It always meant alot, and forever will always be the greatest gift I have ever been given. This will always be, now and forever the most important day in my life. This was the day that changed me and my life for the better. This was the day Tiffany said I DO. I miss you Tiff. Happy Anniversary.

Still here

I have struggled daily in trying to think of what to say next for over a month now. I have put restrictions on myself of the things I am no longer willing to put out there as I am sure they go without saying. The hard part is finding something else and something positive to say. I guess I am not there yet. I use to think about Tiffany every second after she passed away, now it's only every minute. My mind is getting clearer as I have come to terms with what has happened, but the future and my feelings are still very uncertain. I am angry at myself sometimes for not being stronger, and not being able to stay focused more on what I need to do on a daily basis in order to be functional. Baby is doing fine although I do see her still looking for momma sometimes. Sometimes we have our own little pitty party together. starting on the first of August I will be sending out more info on Team tiffany in an effort to raise money for Breast Cancer in her honor. Everyone has been very wonderful with there support in this area and I promise to not bug you for anymore money after this years efforts. Additionally I am on facebook so feel free to friend request me and we can stay in touch that way as well. Be safe everybody.
Stephen

Dearest Tiffany

I could say how I am doing, or maybe even try and explain how I feel, but the truth is I can't. I can't seem to put words on anything anymore Tiff. Everything falls short of the mark, you are still all that matters. YOU are on my mind every second of every day. The phone calls and letters have stopped coming, so it's just me and baby. I sometimes watch her looking for you and I must say it breaks my heart. It's nice to see that she has not forgotten you. You did well in picking her out She has a GREAT heart and is a joy. As I promised I will keep her forever. All 6 and half pounds of her.
Why am I writing to you. Well Tiff it is pretty simple. I got up again this morning and was not able to say I Love you to my Wife. I wanted to tell my wife today that I Love her and I Miss her. Remember how we use to say "I LOVE YOU" every morning? I remember how all I had to do was make eye contact and you would immediately move in for the hug. I miss the way we hugged each other. I miss the passionate kisses, and most of all Tiff I miss you. Good Morning Tiff "I LOVE YOU".
Stephen

My apologies

I wanted to give everyone a heads up that this years 2009 SUSAN G KOMEN RACE FOR THE CURE TEAM TIFFANY has been registered. We have lots of information that we will be putting out probably by tommorrow evening regarding the wants and desires surrounding this years event. I don't know where I will be or what I will be doing next year to even hope of keeping this whole thing going so I have made a couple of goals going into this year just in case this is the last one. I am hoping to raise 5,000 dollars for the Komen Tidewater RFTC in honor of Tiffany. I figure she got it here, was diagnosed here, and passed away here so why not put the money here locally. Now this is gonna take some co-ordination which I am hoping to get from the other team out in hawaii. I am not saying that we should not have a team out in hawaii. By all means please do. I am just going to be asking that paople log on and make donations to the team tiffany here in tidewater as all proceeds will go to help fight breast cancer locally. Just so you know. 1500 people die every day from cancer. 112 from breast cancer alone. Almost 200,000 thousand women will be diagnosed annually from breast cancer. If we raise 5000 dollars that will provide 12 mamagrams for women who don't have the insurance or could otherwise not afford it. Now do the math. If 1 in 8 will get breast cancer there is a chance we could save a life here. Maybe two. I can tell you that everything I have learned about Breast Cancer has led me to this one very real conclusion. Metastatic Breat Cancer will kill you. There is no cure and the younger you are the more aggresive it is. The only key to winning this fight is in early detection. Finding the cancer before it gets to the lymphnodes and out to the rest of the body. The Komen foundation is our link to doing something about this and I hope that in Tiffany's honor you will help me raise even more money than we have in the past. Please wait to register or in doing anything over the next couple of days until i get all of the info and instructions. Thanks in advance to everybody for all your support, love, and genuine concern.

Stephen

Who really cares what I have to say anyways?

I just deleted an entire posting I had written because I realized it really all just says one thing. THIS SUCKS. So...there you go. I am afraid that my progress if I ever really made any is going in the wrong direction. OH well. Life sucks and then the love of your life dies @ 36 years old after 13 years of marriage.