I could say how I am doing, or maybe even try and explain how I feel, but the truth is I can't. I can't seem to put words on anything anymore Tiff. Everything falls short of the mark, you are still all that matters. YOU are on my mind every second of every day. The phone calls and letters have stopped coming, so it's just me and baby. I sometimes watch her looking for you and I must say it breaks my heart. It's nice to see that she has not forgotten you. You did well in picking her out She has a GREAT heart and is a joy. As I promised I will keep her forever. All 6 and half pounds of her.
Why am I writing to you. Well Tiff it is pretty simple. I got up again this morning and was not able to say I Love you to my Wife. I wanted to tell my wife today that I Love her and I Miss her. Remember how we use to say "I LOVE YOU" every morning? I remember how all I had to do was make eye contact and you would immediately move in for the hug. I miss the way we hugged each other. I miss the passionate kisses, and most of all Tiff I miss you. Good Morning Tiff "I LOVE YOU".
Stephen
Monday, June 22, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
My apologies
I wanted to give everyone a heads up that this years 2009 SUSAN G KOMEN RACE FOR THE CURE TEAM TIFFANY has been registered. We have lots of information that we will be putting out probably by tommorrow evening regarding the wants and desires surrounding this years event. I don't know where I will be or what I will be doing next year to even hope of keeping this whole thing going so I have made a couple of goals going into this year just in case this is the last one. I am hoping to raise 5,000 dollars for the Komen Tidewater RFTC in honor of Tiffany. I figure she got it here, was diagnosed here, and passed away here so why not put the money here locally. Now this is gonna take some co-ordination which I am hoping to get from the other team out in hawaii. I am not saying that we should not have a team out in hawaii. By all means please do. I am just going to be asking that paople log on and make donations to the team tiffany here in tidewater as all proceeds will go to help fight breast cancer locally. Just so you know. 1500 people die every day from cancer. 112 from breast cancer alone. Almost 200,000 thousand women will be diagnosed annually from breast cancer. If we raise 5000 dollars that will provide 12 mamagrams for women who don't have the insurance or could otherwise not afford it. Now do the math. If 1 in 8 will get breast cancer there is a chance we could save a life here. Maybe two. I can tell you that everything I have learned about Breast Cancer has led me to this one very real conclusion. Metastatic Breat Cancer will kill you. There is no cure and the younger you are the more aggresive it is. The only key to winning this fight is in early detection. Finding the cancer before it gets to the lymphnodes and out to the rest of the body. The Komen foundation is our link to doing something about this and I hope that in Tiffany's honor you will help me raise even more money than we have in the past. Please wait to register or in doing anything over the next couple of days until i get all of the info and instructions. Thanks in advance to everybody for all your support, love, and genuine concern.
Stephen
Stephen
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Who really cares what I have to say anyways?
I just deleted an entire posting I had written because I realized it really all just says one thing. THIS SUCKS. So...there you go. I am afraid that my progress if I ever really made any is going in the wrong direction. OH well. Life sucks and then the love of your life dies @ 36 years old after 13 years of marriage.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
June 7,2009
Hi everybody. I just got off the plane an hour ago from putting Tiff to rest in Clearwater, FL and wanted to just put out a couple of things.
I am getting underway on a Sub tomorrow for a couple of days. Nothing major, just a means of therapy to see how it goes.
The service went well. It's hard to say great or something along those lines when you speak of such things, but I will say that everything from when she was brought home to the memorial, and the burial in Florida has been handled with not just GREAT support and care, but with the most amazing CLASS. There are a number of people I could thank, and even more that I could especially thank. For know given everything I really need to thank Tiff's Uncle Mickey. This man stepped up and took care of everything and while doing so made me feel like a part of the Family. If anyone should ever wonder where her attributes came from they need look no further than her Uncle.
I did take some photo's and plan on putting them on the website along with the exact location of her resting place. this will probably happen on Thursday.
Lastly, I want to explain to everyone this whole TAG e-mail thing. This all started with an e-mail someone sent me, but it was not really from them. Like you I opened the email because I thought I was getting a photo or something from a friend and the next thing you know it is snagging my contact listing and at the end of the day there is no harm done, but I wanted you to know that It is ok if you choose not to go to that site. I have my email, the Team Tiffany website, and a Face book account I use to maintain contact with everyone. Not sure I can even handle another site.
Hope this email does not leave you crying like the last one, and look forward to blogging again soon. Thanks to everyone for everything.
Stephen
I am getting underway on a Sub tomorrow for a couple of days. Nothing major, just a means of therapy to see how it goes.
The service went well. It's hard to say great or something along those lines when you speak of such things, but I will say that everything from when she was brought home to the memorial, and the burial in Florida has been handled with not just GREAT support and care, but with the most amazing CLASS. There are a number of people I could thank, and even more that I could especially thank. For know given everything I really need to thank Tiff's Uncle Mickey. This man stepped up and took care of everything and while doing so made me feel like a part of the Family. If anyone should ever wonder where her attributes came from they need look no further than her Uncle.
I did take some photo's and plan on putting them on the website along with the exact location of her resting place. this will probably happen on Thursday.
Lastly, I want to explain to everyone this whole TAG e-mail thing. This all started with an e-mail someone sent me, but it was not really from them. Like you I opened the email because I thought I was getting a photo or something from a friend and the next thing you know it is snagging my contact listing and at the end of the day there is no harm done, but I wanted you to know that It is ok if you choose not to go to that site. I have my email, the Team Tiffany website, and a Face book account I use to maintain contact with everyone. Not sure I can even handle another site.
Hope this email does not leave you crying like the last one, and look forward to blogging again soon. Thanks to everyone for everything.
Stephen
June 4, 2009
I know it has been too long without a blog. I am not even gonna try and say it any different than it is. It's ROUGH, emotionally, mentally, and when it comes to doing the things she used to do instead of me it's rough physically as well.
Nothing in my life will ever be the same, and I accept it. My life has changed forever, and I accept that as well. The hard part so far is living my life on a daily basis where all of the little things that you treasured more than you realized no longer exist. Things like "Honey I'm home", or "How was your day", "How are you feeling", "What do you want for dinner", washing the cars together, walking around the block, and yes even snuggling up on the couch watching a recorded General Hospital. I did not care for the show so much, but I remember how holding her made me feel like I could watch anything.
She was always so soft, and she always smelled so good. Working in the garden while I mowed the grass, washing the sheets because it's Sunday. Seeing her laying out back with a book getting some sun, or just the way she stayed busy around the house. My life never had an awkward pause with her, because we always knew what the other person was thinking, and we always had something to say. The thing I miss more than anything was the way we looked into each other eyes and hugged each other. I never once looked into Tiffany's eyes (except for the last day) and she not smile, it was a feeling that let you know you are loved.
Some of you may not know but Tiffany passed away laying in the bed on her side. She passed away with me holding her hand and staring into my eyes even as she took her last breathe. It is now an image that I see before me (constantly). NOW... Silence, my new worst enemy, serves as a constant reminder of all those things. The fact that my eyes can still generate tears (daily) seems almost like a feat in itself. I have been around long enough to know that I am a strong person. You need only know a fraction of my life to know that as well. However this whole thing has broken me. It has turned me inside out and upside down to the point I don't even recognize myself. I guess you know now why it has been so hard to blog. Who wants to read this?
I do feel like I needed to tell everyone that I will be flying down to Clearwater FL tommorrow, and burying Tiff's ashes on Saturday. I am picking up her remains today, and will most certainly be choked up the rest of the day (news flash). I am hoping that while I know the pain will never go away that I will find a way to live not without her, but as an angel on my shoulder. Until next time.
Stephen
Nothing in my life will ever be the same, and I accept it. My life has changed forever, and I accept that as well. The hard part so far is living my life on a daily basis where all of the little things that you treasured more than you realized no longer exist. Things like "Honey I'm home", or "How was your day", "How are you feeling", "What do you want for dinner", washing the cars together, walking around the block, and yes even snuggling up on the couch watching a recorded General Hospital. I did not care for the show so much, but I remember how holding her made me feel like I could watch anything.
She was always so soft, and she always smelled so good. Working in the garden while I mowed the grass, washing the sheets because it's Sunday. Seeing her laying out back with a book getting some sun, or just the way she stayed busy around the house. My life never had an awkward pause with her, because we always knew what the other person was thinking, and we always had something to say. The thing I miss more than anything was the way we looked into each other eyes and hugged each other. I never once looked into Tiffany's eyes (except for the last day) and she not smile, it was a feeling that let you know you are loved.
Some of you may not know but Tiffany passed away laying in the bed on her side. She passed away with me holding her hand and staring into my eyes even as she took her last breathe. It is now an image that I see before me (constantly). NOW... Silence, my new worst enemy, serves as a constant reminder of all those things. The fact that my eyes can still generate tears (daily) seems almost like a feat in itself. I have been around long enough to know that I am a strong person. You need only know a fraction of my life to know that as well. However this whole thing has broken me. It has turned me inside out and upside down to the point I don't even recognize myself. I guess you know now why it has been so hard to blog. Who wants to read this?
I do feel like I needed to tell everyone that I will be flying down to Clearwater FL tommorrow, and burying Tiff's ashes on Saturday. I am picking up her remains today, and will most certainly be choked up the rest of the day (news flash). I am hoping that while I know the pain will never go away that I will find a way to live not without her, but as an angel on my shoulder. Until next time.
Stephen
December 9,2008
I know it has been a while since I blogged, but as you might imagine it has been hard to put into words the emotions you go through watching a disease like this effect your wife. Today however I am not low on words. I am PISSED. This I am afraid is a very counter-productive emotion that probably won't benefit anyone, but I can't help it.
As most of you know my wife was in the hospital for the better part of two weeks. Most of you are aware of what happened based on the e-mail I sent. I wanted to try and be a little clearer about what happened so that maybe everyone understands what we are going through.
I took Tiffany to the hospital on Nov 20th @ about 9pm with a slight fever and shortness of breath(SOB). We immediately were admitted to the ER and she was given 2 liters of O2 and pain meds and IV anti-biotics. They ordered chest XRAY and CT SCAN and @ approx 0415 they admitted her to the oncology floor based on her progressive disease and because she had a small right side pleural effusion(fluid on the lower right side of her lung). this fluid was believed the be a side effect from the clinical trial she participated in at DUKE, but the concern was that now that she had a fever that she may have an infection of sorts(pneumonia) and her oncologists should resolve this.
At approx 1000 the next morning her Oncologists and a team of residents and interns came into the room to tell her that they think her small right side pleural effusion was probably not from the clinical trial, because it never decreased in size with the lasix and steroids they gave her but that it was most likely a cancerous malignancy. no big deal so to speak to quote the DR we will just go ahead and start the Chemo(Navelbine) today vice next week, monitor you for a couple of days and then do outpatient infusions on a weekly basis until it is resolved.
I want to emphasize a couple of things here. The Chemo of Navelbine with Avastin was always the plan and just one week earlier he gave her an exam and said there was no immediate urgency to get the chemo on board and we could start on the 26th. Avastin is key in deciding on Navelbine as this is a biological agent that increases the chances of a positive response with Navelbine by 5 to 8%. Avastin has also been studied to increase the life of Metastatic Breast Cancer patients by 6 to 8months.
Moving on.
Her Dr at this point says he first wants to go ahead and do a Fine Needle Aspiration(FNA) also called a Thorocynthesis of the SMALL RIGHT SIDE PLEURAL effusion to confirm the malignancy, and then do the Chemo immediately afterwards. All part of his crossing the T's and dotting the I's so to speak. Her attending is DR Hopkins, and the resident performing the procedure was DR McDevitt. At around 1230 Dr McDevitt came in to brief the procedure. He said they were going to do a right side Thorocynthesis. He said they were going to use an ultrasound to find the spot, mark the spot, and then aspirate the spot. I even asked him why he would not use the ultrasound to guide the needle(known as an ultrasound guided FNA) and his response was that it was not required and that he has done this dozens of times and did not anticipate any issues. Our best friends Lora and Jeff were in the room for the brief and were then asked to step out. They did the procedure bed side and when I came back into the room my wife was already in serious pain. I asked Dr Hopkins what was going on and he said they bent two needles trying to get the fluid and were unable and that my wife just had thick skin. He said that they were going to get a pulmonologists up here to try and then walked out of the room. I sat on the bed next to my wife and it was evident to me that she was in much worse pain and holding her left side under her breast and said it hurt in her lungs. I then immediately went out to find DR McDevitt to ask what was going on, but apparently he had already been sent home. I asked Dr Hopkins what was going on and he said that what she was feeling was RADIATING NERVE pain. My wife would later tell me how she complained about the pain on the left side of her neck during the procedure but all Dr Hopkins said to Dr McDevitt was “Do you have the needle pointing down?”.
SO, this is the procedure and this is what happened. They DID THE WRONG SIDE. She never had a left side pleural effusion. EVER. Keep in mind nobody has told us this yet. As Tiffany’s conditioned continued to worsen I called DR Hopkins into the lounge to ask what the hell is going on. Cancer does not go this fast. Why has she gone further downhill since the procedure? He told me and I quote “Her cancer is progressing faster than I expected, and if I can’t get a response from the chemo she might not live much longer”. Keep that in mind as you hear the rest of the story, because the translation is that I think we may have just killed your wife, but luckily because of her cancer I don’t think anyone is going to figure it out. Dr Hopkins came into the room to tell Tiffany to hang in there and that she had a Nerve pain resulting from the procedure, but they were going to increase her meds. This was at around 1600(4PM). DR Hopkins then went home not to be seen until noon the next day. At 1730 they gave her the infusion of Chemo and by 1830 she was on her way to the ICU. She had spent all afternoon breathing like someone having a panic attack. O2 had been increased to 10 liters, pulse was getting higher etc. Even throwing up from all the pain meds they were giving her trying to resolve the pain. She was in so much pain that even as they were wheeling her off the floor they had to stop next to the nurses’ station and give her a shot of TORODOL in the ass to try and calm her down so she might breathe better. The whole trip to and time spent in the ICU was a nightmare. 3 times as soon as we were wheeled in with a half dozen people trying to hook up everything under the sun to her I had to stop someone from sticking her on her right side. She is not allowed to have any BP or needle sticks on her right side as a result of her prior surgery for risk of infection etc. This is very common and nurses are to always check this prior to performing these things. When I stopped this guy the last time some girl from across the room said SIR it’s not his fault he did not know. Of course my response was this is the third time and both of you need to PAY THE F**K ATTENTION> I was then asked to step out at which time I said I would gladly step out as soon as they found someone big and mean enough to make me. Moving on.
After a while I was approached by a DR PAK. He was the ICU duty DR and he explained to me that he would like to get a Chest tube in on that left side. Keep in mind that at this point she is on a Bypaps mask that was traumatically installed on a woman that was still conscious and fearful, tearful, and in serious pain, who did not understand what was going on either. How can cancer move this fast? How is it that last night we were in a little SOB, with a fever that had since come down, with a plan to start chemo today, and now somehow be talking about chest tubes and in the ICU. I asked Dr Pak why he wanted to put a chest tube in her and he explained that she was bleeding out on her left side into her chest cavity and that if he did not get a tube in there she would surely die. OMG. Are you F**KING KIDDING ME. This was not supposed to be like this. I asked why was she bleeding on her left side and he explained it was a complication from the LEFT SIDE THOROCYNTHESIS. I immediately said what LEFT SIDE THOROCYNTHESIS. He said the one they did up on the floor. I explained to him that there must be another reason because we did not do a left side, and he then said that’s what I am telling you now is that they did it on the left side. He assured me that he was not there for it, and that he had nothing to do with it, and just wanted to save her life right now. I then said ok lets get the chest tube in there and he said he was waiting for the coagulants to work because she had been given blood thinners. BLOOD THINNERS? Who in the hell gave her blood thinners and why was I not told. He told me that he did not know. So as you can imagine I am ready to do a Homicide at this point, but I am not even in a position to have her transferred. I later gave the authorization to do the Chest tube, which required a subsequent blood transfusion as she lost initially 850 m/l of blood which eventually amounted to approx 1350 m/l and they put a small one in, and then later had to take it back out and put a bigger one in, because it clogged. The is a result of the coagulant they gave her to counter act the blood thinners. The thing about a chest tube in case you don’t know is that it goes in your side to about the middle of your chest(almost) and then goes up towards your neck. A lot of tube, and it was done twice on her(of course), which does not make the whole thing less painful like getting immune to pain meds. One ICU NURSE even commented that she wanted to get a tattoo that said no chest tubes just to make sure she never had to suffer through that.
Something else to keep in mind is that it’s now well after midnight and her condition has done nothing but worsen. Pulse never below 120 at rest respiration never less than 35 to 50 breathes per minute(normal is 12 to 19). Her O2 saturation has went from 2 liters when she was admitted to 15 liters on a bypaps mask. I can’t even begin to explain the amount of IV pain meds, but the one interesting fact throughout all of this is that SHE HAD TO SUFFER. You see they did not want her to lose her PULMONARY DRIVE. Basically the only reason she continued to live was because she continued to fight for every breath and if they over medicated her she might not try so hard. Can you believe this SHIT? We eventually had to INTUBATE her and she was placed on a ventilator. That had some issues as well but I won’t go through that except to say that by 0800 on the 22nd her respirations were down, or should I say controlled by the ventilator, and by the next morning we were starting the process of taking her off the ventilator. By Wednesday we were back on the floor and by Friday we were shoved out of the hospital. She received another round of chemo and we were back in the hospital the next morning because her counts were low from the chemo. The story could obviously go on forever, or at least it seems that way, but here are some things that really BOTHER me, and I assure you I will get answers.
1.After finally getting her medical record there is no documentation of the thorocynthesis being done on the wrong side. NONE
2.Why would DR Hopkins tell me her condition was based on the cancer when he knew that it was done on the wrong side. Dr Hopkins came to the hospital the around noon the day she was intubated and admitted to me that Dr MCDevitt told him that he knew why they did not get any fluid, and that it was because they were on the wrong side. DR Hopkins knew this before we talked in the lounge but still did not tell me.
3.How did they end up on the wrong side? DR McDevitt told me that they were going to use an ultrasound to find the spot, mark the spot, and then aspirate the spot. How do you end up on the wrong side if you first have to find and mark the spot?
4.I saw Dr McDevitt in the passageway and he admitted to me that he was wrong and that he did the wrong side, and he was sorry etc, but when I asked him how did he end up on the wrong side if he in fact used an ultrasound and he said they had one in the room but did not use it. I later talked to an intern DR Habelow who was in the room for the procedure and she said they did use an ultra sound. So again how did they end up on the wrong side? This guy is suppose to be an attending in 6 months? Are you kidding me? He can’t read an ultrasound?
5.This is the thing that pisses me off the most. According to the record they say they did a left side thorocynthesis on a left side pleural effusion. That’s it, and then several hours later she is in the ICU. The whole thing is coming across as a cover up. How is this possible? Is my wife’s life less important because she has cancer?
6.Who gave her blood thinners and shouldn’t we have been told?
7.Who gave him permission to do the procedure twice when the first one did not work?
Tiffany suffered from a WRONG SIDE/SITE procedure in that the first needle punctured her lung causing her lung to partially deflate and air outside the lung, the second needle punctured a blood vessel and she eventually bled to the point of having to be intubated and fighting for her life. Nobody thought she was going to make it, and at the end of the day she saved her own life. We just got back from the hospital again yesterday because her arms swelled up bigger than mine, and after an ultrasound it was discovered that she has numerous clots on her left side. Of course the hospital is gonna say it is her cancer, but the truth is that this is a known side effect associated with central lines like the one she had installed in her when she was intubated.
After all is said and done, my wife had two chest tubes, a trip to the ICU(6 days), Intubation, extubation, blood transfusions, central line installation and removal. The fact that now she can never get Avastin because of the left side trauma and blood clots has limited the options available, ability to treat, and potentially shortened her life A fact admitted to her by her now new DR, Dr Reninger. She also suffered the pain associated with struggling to breathe and almost dying as a result of the wrong site procedure and they don’t acknowledge any of it, and lots that I am sure I don’t even know or just forgot to mention.
I have served this country since 1985 and for the first time ever I am ashamed of my uniform. Not because a mistake was made. Not because someone did not follow procedure, but because the integrity of which this whole thing has been handled goes against everything I thought the NAVY stood for. I know at the end of the day that the people that work at the hospital are not SAILORS. They are just people given a uniform because of their medical training and will probably never even tour a ship. Fact is though that they still wear the uniform. What happened to my wife will not go unacknowledged. Her days are too limited and too precious to me. We did not fight all this time to have someone treat her like a stray dog who does not matter. I apologize to everyone that cares for her. I was not able to or did not do a better job of protecting her. It was my only job and I failed. . I promise you I will get answers. I promise you that those responsible will be held accountable.
Stephen
As most of you know my wife was in the hospital for the better part of two weeks. Most of you are aware of what happened based on the e-mail I sent. I wanted to try and be a little clearer about what happened so that maybe everyone understands what we are going through.
I took Tiffany to the hospital on Nov 20th @ about 9pm with a slight fever and shortness of breath(SOB). We immediately were admitted to the ER and she was given 2 liters of O2 and pain meds and IV anti-biotics. They ordered chest XRAY and CT SCAN and @ approx 0415 they admitted her to the oncology floor based on her progressive disease and because she had a small right side pleural effusion(fluid on the lower right side of her lung). this fluid was believed the be a side effect from the clinical trial she participated in at DUKE, but the concern was that now that she had a fever that she may have an infection of sorts(pneumonia) and her oncologists should resolve this.
At approx 1000 the next morning her Oncologists and a team of residents and interns came into the room to tell her that they think her small right side pleural effusion was probably not from the clinical trial, because it never decreased in size with the lasix and steroids they gave her but that it was most likely a cancerous malignancy. no big deal so to speak to quote the DR we will just go ahead and start the Chemo(Navelbine) today vice next week, monitor you for a couple of days and then do outpatient infusions on a weekly basis until it is resolved.
I want to emphasize a couple of things here. The Chemo of Navelbine with Avastin was always the plan and just one week earlier he gave her an exam and said there was no immediate urgency to get the chemo on board and we could start on the 26th. Avastin is key in deciding on Navelbine as this is a biological agent that increases the chances of a positive response with Navelbine by 5 to 8%. Avastin has also been studied to increase the life of Metastatic Breast Cancer patients by 6 to 8months.
Moving on.
Her Dr at this point says he first wants to go ahead and do a Fine Needle Aspiration(FNA) also called a Thorocynthesis of the SMALL RIGHT SIDE PLEURAL effusion to confirm the malignancy, and then do the Chemo immediately afterwards. All part of his crossing the T's and dotting the I's so to speak. Her attending is DR Hopkins, and the resident performing the procedure was DR McDevitt. At around 1230 Dr McDevitt came in to brief the procedure. He said they were going to do a right side Thorocynthesis. He said they were going to use an ultrasound to find the spot, mark the spot, and then aspirate the spot. I even asked him why he would not use the ultrasound to guide the needle(known as an ultrasound guided FNA) and his response was that it was not required and that he has done this dozens of times and did not anticipate any issues. Our best friends Lora and Jeff were in the room for the brief and were then asked to step out. They did the procedure bed side and when I came back into the room my wife was already in serious pain. I asked Dr Hopkins what was going on and he said they bent two needles trying to get the fluid and were unable and that my wife just had thick skin. He said that they were going to get a pulmonologists up here to try and then walked out of the room. I sat on the bed next to my wife and it was evident to me that she was in much worse pain and holding her left side under her breast and said it hurt in her lungs. I then immediately went out to find DR McDevitt to ask what was going on, but apparently he had already been sent home. I asked Dr Hopkins what was going on and he said that what she was feeling was RADIATING NERVE pain. My wife would later tell me how she complained about the pain on the left side of her neck during the procedure but all Dr Hopkins said to Dr McDevitt was “Do you have the needle pointing down?”.
SO, this is the procedure and this is what happened. They DID THE WRONG SIDE. She never had a left side pleural effusion. EVER. Keep in mind nobody has told us this yet. As Tiffany’s conditioned continued to worsen I called DR Hopkins into the lounge to ask what the hell is going on. Cancer does not go this fast. Why has she gone further downhill since the procedure? He told me and I quote “Her cancer is progressing faster than I expected, and if I can’t get a response from the chemo she might not live much longer”. Keep that in mind as you hear the rest of the story, because the translation is that I think we may have just killed your wife, but luckily because of her cancer I don’t think anyone is going to figure it out. Dr Hopkins came into the room to tell Tiffany to hang in there and that she had a Nerve pain resulting from the procedure, but they were going to increase her meds. This was at around 1600(4PM). DR Hopkins then went home not to be seen until noon the next day. At 1730 they gave her the infusion of Chemo and by 1830 she was on her way to the ICU. She had spent all afternoon breathing like someone having a panic attack. O2 had been increased to 10 liters, pulse was getting higher etc. Even throwing up from all the pain meds they were giving her trying to resolve the pain. She was in so much pain that even as they were wheeling her off the floor they had to stop next to the nurses’ station and give her a shot of TORODOL in the ass to try and calm her down so she might breathe better. The whole trip to and time spent in the ICU was a nightmare. 3 times as soon as we were wheeled in with a half dozen people trying to hook up everything under the sun to her I had to stop someone from sticking her on her right side. She is not allowed to have any BP or needle sticks on her right side as a result of her prior surgery for risk of infection etc. This is very common and nurses are to always check this prior to performing these things. When I stopped this guy the last time some girl from across the room said SIR it’s not his fault he did not know. Of course my response was this is the third time and both of you need to PAY THE F**K ATTENTION> I was then asked to step out at which time I said I would gladly step out as soon as they found someone big and mean enough to make me. Moving on.
After a while I was approached by a DR PAK. He was the ICU duty DR and he explained to me that he would like to get a Chest tube in on that left side. Keep in mind that at this point she is on a Bypaps mask that was traumatically installed on a woman that was still conscious and fearful, tearful, and in serious pain, who did not understand what was going on either. How can cancer move this fast? How is it that last night we were in a little SOB, with a fever that had since come down, with a plan to start chemo today, and now somehow be talking about chest tubes and in the ICU. I asked Dr Pak why he wanted to put a chest tube in her and he explained that she was bleeding out on her left side into her chest cavity and that if he did not get a tube in there she would surely die. OMG. Are you F**KING KIDDING ME. This was not supposed to be like this. I asked why was she bleeding on her left side and he explained it was a complication from the LEFT SIDE THOROCYNTHESIS. I immediately said what LEFT SIDE THOROCYNTHESIS. He said the one they did up on the floor. I explained to him that there must be another reason because we did not do a left side, and he then said that’s what I am telling you now is that they did it on the left side. He assured me that he was not there for it, and that he had nothing to do with it, and just wanted to save her life right now. I then said ok lets get the chest tube in there and he said he was waiting for the coagulants to work because she had been given blood thinners. BLOOD THINNERS? Who in the hell gave her blood thinners and why was I not told. He told me that he did not know. So as you can imagine I am ready to do a Homicide at this point, but I am not even in a position to have her transferred. I later gave the authorization to do the Chest tube, which required a subsequent blood transfusion as she lost initially 850 m/l of blood which eventually amounted to approx 1350 m/l and they put a small one in, and then later had to take it back out and put a bigger one in, because it clogged. The is a result of the coagulant they gave her to counter act the blood thinners. The thing about a chest tube in case you don’t know is that it goes in your side to about the middle of your chest(almost) and then goes up towards your neck. A lot of tube, and it was done twice on her(of course), which does not make the whole thing less painful like getting immune to pain meds. One ICU NURSE even commented that she wanted to get a tattoo that said no chest tubes just to make sure she never had to suffer through that.
Something else to keep in mind is that it’s now well after midnight and her condition has done nothing but worsen. Pulse never below 120 at rest respiration never less than 35 to 50 breathes per minute(normal is 12 to 19). Her O2 saturation has went from 2 liters when she was admitted to 15 liters on a bypaps mask. I can’t even begin to explain the amount of IV pain meds, but the one interesting fact throughout all of this is that SHE HAD TO SUFFER. You see they did not want her to lose her PULMONARY DRIVE. Basically the only reason she continued to live was because she continued to fight for every breath and if they over medicated her she might not try so hard. Can you believe this SHIT? We eventually had to INTUBATE her and she was placed on a ventilator. That had some issues as well but I won’t go through that except to say that by 0800 on the 22nd her respirations were down, or should I say controlled by the ventilator, and by the next morning we were starting the process of taking her off the ventilator. By Wednesday we were back on the floor and by Friday we were shoved out of the hospital. She received another round of chemo and we were back in the hospital the next morning because her counts were low from the chemo. The story could obviously go on forever, or at least it seems that way, but here are some things that really BOTHER me, and I assure you I will get answers.
1.After finally getting her medical record there is no documentation of the thorocynthesis being done on the wrong side. NONE
2.Why would DR Hopkins tell me her condition was based on the cancer when he knew that it was done on the wrong side. Dr Hopkins came to the hospital the around noon the day she was intubated and admitted to me that Dr MCDevitt told him that he knew why they did not get any fluid, and that it was because they were on the wrong side. DR Hopkins knew this before we talked in the lounge but still did not tell me.
3.How did they end up on the wrong side? DR McDevitt told me that they were going to use an ultrasound to find the spot, mark the spot, and then aspirate the spot. How do you end up on the wrong side if you first have to find and mark the spot?
4.I saw Dr McDevitt in the passageway and he admitted to me that he was wrong and that he did the wrong side, and he was sorry etc, but when I asked him how did he end up on the wrong side if he in fact used an ultrasound and he said they had one in the room but did not use it. I later talked to an intern DR Habelow who was in the room for the procedure and she said they did use an ultra sound. So again how did they end up on the wrong side? This guy is suppose to be an attending in 6 months? Are you kidding me? He can’t read an ultrasound?
5.This is the thing that pisses me off the most. According to the record they say they did a left side thorocynthesis on a left side pleural effusion. That’s it, and then several hours later she is in the ICU. The whole thing is coming across as a cover up. How is this possible? Is my wife’s life less important because she has cancer?
6.Who gave her blood thinners and shouldn’t we have been told?
7.Who gave him permission to do the procedure twice when the first one did not work?
Tiffany suffered from a WRONG SIDE/SITE procedure in that the first needle punctured her lung causing her lung to partially deflate and air outside the lung, the second needle punctured a blood vessel and she eventually bled to the point of having to be intubated and fighting for her life. Nobody thought she was going to make it, and at the end of the day she saved her own life. We just got back from the hospital again yesterday because her arms swelled up bigger than mine, and after an ultrasound it was discovered that she has numerous clots on her left side. Of course the hospital is gonna say it is her cancer, but the truth is that this is a known side effect associated with central lines like the one she had installed in her when she was intubated.
After all is said and done, my wife had two chest tubes, a trip to the ICU(6 days), Intubation, extubation, blood transfusions, central line installation and removal. The fact that now she can never get Avastin because of the left side trauma and blood clots has limited the options available, ability to treat, and potentially shortened her life A fact admitted to her by her now new DR, Dr Reninger. She also suffered the pain associated with struggling to breathe and almost dying as a result of the wrong site procedure and they don’t acknowledge any of it, and lots that I am sure I don’t even know or just forgot to mention.
I have served this country since 1985 and for the first time ever I am ashamed of my uniform. Not because a mistake was made. Not because someone did not follow procedure, but because the integrity of which this whole thing has been handled goes against everything I thought the NAVY stood for. I know at the end of the day that the people that work at the hospital are not SAILORS. They are just people given a uniform because of their medical training and will probably never even tour a ship. Fact is though that they still wear the uniform. What happened to my wife will not go unacknowledged. Her days are too limited and too precious to me. We did not fight all this time to have someone treat her like a stray dog who does not matter. I apologize to everyone that cares for her. I was not able to or did not do a better job of protecting her. It was my only job and I failed. . I promise you I will get answers. I promise you that those responsible will be held accountable.
Stephen
June 9,2008
I never heard my wife say anything bad about anyone. She is just not made that way. It took me back a bit for the longest time, but I soon figured out that my wife found the good in everyone and just wanted to be a better person in general. If she were in the military I would say she "Leads by Example". There are alot of things I have yet to figure out about my wife's breast cancer, and where we go from here....but I know one thing for sure. I would do it all over again. Tiffany is the one decision I got right in this life, and wether she lives or dies from Breast Cancer she will always be the best thing that is ever going to happen to me... ever. The irony in all of this is that she has taught me more about living than anyone or anything else and yet here she is fighting for her life. She is doing it with her chin up, trying to smile, and worrying about me... I don't know the process from here on out, but I know I am not ready! I just want my wife to not die from Cancer. I Love my Wife! I Truly Love my Wife.
Stephen
Stephen
Ready for a fight, September 13, 2007
As you may already know if you read Tiffany's BLOG todays Oncology appointment sucked! The Pet/CT scan was not our friend, and brought us no good news. Every step of the way thus far has been filled with bad news that somehow finds a way to get worse. Numerous lymph nodes in her Supra Clavical area(whatever that means) and numerous nodules in both her lungs which they believe(short of doing a biopsy that can't be done) is matastatic Breast Cancer. Let's see what else did he say? Oh....He said that for her lymphnodes there is a 20% cure rate, and for her lungs there is ZERO percent chance. I wonder what they expect us to do with that information? All I know is that there is no way in HELL that my wife has a ZERO percent chance. She will beat this, We will beat this, and we will share a lifetime together. The good news about today is that we now know what we are up against. Granted it is gonna be a fight. Granted the odds are not in our favor, but in my opinion that is just gonna make the victory that much sweeter. My wife is gonna die someday, but it won't be from this, and won't be anytime soon. I will BLOG again after the fight, but until then I don't have anything else to say other than...... I LOVE MY WIFE. If I had never met her, then I would have no doubt I would never have met my soulmate. She was the one who was put here on this earth for me. A persons purpose on this life should be to strive to make this world a better place, because they are apart of it. She does that with every ounce of her being. She makes me, and everyone around her better. Thanks to everyone who has shown there support. Keep Tiffany in your hearts and prayers and I know everything will work out.
Stephen
Stephen
September 8,2007
I know it's been a while, but I really wanted to take this time and say thanks to everyone who is in support of my wife and what she is going through. As she prepares herself mentally and physically for chemotherapy, I can honestly say it is the support that keeps her spirits high and attitude extremely positive. Yesterday she had her tissue expanders increased another 60cc's (260 total now). I think she is starting to see that medical science is going to be able to work wonders considering what she has gone through. None of that takes away from the trauma of it all, but it is nice to see her smile and see something at the very least a little better than it was the day before. I will try and write more as time goes by.
September 2,2007
Over the last couple of weeks I have witnessed as many different emotions as you can imagine. One thing is for certain. There is no way to hide the concern, or the confusion. So many uncertainties to deal with. Tiffany continues to impress me daily. The last couple of days have been the best. After she fell down the stairs it was almost like she realized right then she could easily be a victim if she allowed, and has decided that is not an option for her. Watching her get back to her normal "grab each day by the balls" attitude makes my day, and leaves me with no doubt that she will do well in the upcoming months. Lastly, what needs to be said is with regards to the overwhelming support she has recieved. Susan out in Hawaii, has spearheaded this whole Team Tiff thing and should really give herself a pat on the back. I think having your own personal tragedy tends to do alot of things like, turn to religion, or question how you have lived your life, but because of the support she has recieved it has helped Tiffany realize more than ever that so many people Love her and are standing right beside her through all of this. One more thing. Alot of people ask how I am doing, and want to know if I am ok, or if there is anything they can do for me etc.. I just want to say that I am fine. Just like I told Tiff when she was diagnosed. If this had to come, it could not have come at a better time as far as she and I are concerned. We were absolutely perfect before the cancer and we will be even better after she beats it. Our marriage and our committment to each other is unwaiverable and I could not be more proud of her. She is the best person I know! I am totally in Love with my wife! Thanks and I will write again soon.
August 26,2007
Bear with me during this BLOG as this is my first. My wife has Cancer. Those words can mean alot of different things, but it never means anything good. For now I just try and come to grips with what is the most devasting thing I could ever imagine being a part of. I have seen her go through things so far that I never thought I would ever pay witness to or would never wish on anyone, and she does it with her chin up. I am sooo proud of her. The support from everyone is where she gets her strength and positive attitude and can only say that I hope that it continues. Thanks to the TUCSON for the meals. I can't imagine her having to eat my cooking all the time. To Straub and all of their support as well as Sentara Leigh and the numerous family and friends. It is this support that will help her through this fight. I will write again soon when I can figure out what to write.
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